Anybody can learn to give a great speech. The best speakers include a clear, relevant message and a few great stories to illustrate it.
When you are right, no one remembers. When you are wrong, no one forgets.
People who park on the cast side of a football stadium will invariably have seats on the west side.
The driver’s side windshield wiper always streaks and wears out first.
The Apartment Washing-Machine Corollary:
Whenever you need to use the washer and drier, someone else will have beaten you to it, and, conversely, it’s never in use when you don’t need it.
Family reunions are all relative.
A cosigner is the man in the next cell.
The “Nature Abhors the Vertical” Law:
Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can lie down.
The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance trom the actual event.
Sir George Savile’s Rule:
Those who think money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time, you can create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.
Gerken’s First Observation:
Mirrors are twice as good as windows-you only have to clean one side to see clearly.
Gerken’s Second Observation:
How can you tell if somebody’s trying if they never succeed?
The Housewife’s Lament:
Keeping house is like stringing beads with no knot in the end of the thread.
The Spare-Parts Principle:
Accessibility during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway.
Anthony’s Law of Force:
Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible comer.
The Corollary to Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
On its way to the corner, any dropped tool will always first strike your toes.
The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
- Man is planned obsolescence.
- If one keeps his socks clean and runs around with the right people-things fall into place.
- We regret more things we didn’t do than things we did do.
In the summer, bus windows never open. In the winter, bus windows never close.
No shoelace ever broke being untied.
Terman’s Law of Innovation:
If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.
The Borgia Family Byword:
It is better to be hated than to be ignored.
Bill’s Pill for All Ills:
Although living to a ripe old age may not guarantee health, wealth, and happiness, it certainly beats the other alternative.
Dr. Conklin’s Rules:
- Having a second after-dinner drink is proof that you’ve had too many before-dinner drinks.
- When it comes to corruption, nothing succeeds like money.
- It is impossible to overdo luxury
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on the grand fallacy.
The “Hi Mom” Rule:
Mothers-in-law are just like mothers, except you don’t love them.
When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Russ the Male Chauvinist’s Observation:
Even if you understood women, you’d never believe it.
The Bicycle Law:
Thirty-pound bicycles need a twenty-pound lock and chain,
Forty-pound bicycles need a ten-pound lock and chain.
Fifty-pound bicycles need no lock and chain.
Sandra Litoff’s First Rule on Husbands:
The only thing worse than a husband who never notices what you cook or what you wear is a husband who always notices what you cook and what you wear.
The Light-Under-the-Bushel-Basket Law:
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Don Kaul’s Conclusion:
Someday birds will fly the ocean like men-in big silver planes.
- Bat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet.
- A word to the wicked: perfection ain’t perfect.
The Carpenter’s Rule:
Cut to fit; beat into place.
The Show-Biz Axiom:
The day before your singing debut, you will get laryngitis.
If spilled, there’s no such thing as “a little water.”
Howard’s First Law of Theater:
Stamp’s Traveler’s Lament:
Why is it that you arrive in Cedar Falls and your baggage arrives in Honolulu, but never the other way around?
Painter’s Rule of the Road:
Two wrongs won’t make a right, but three rights will make a left.
Barker’s Laws of the Highway:
- The only unoccupied toilet in the rest room is out of order.
- The service station will be out of toilet paper.
- The kids really have to go and you have to get the key to the rest room from the attendant – and he’s busy.
- When you’re in a hurry, the driver in the car in front of you will be pointing out the local points of interest to his passengers.
- The shortest distance between two points is under repair.
The Observation of Archimedes G. Bell:
When a body is immersed in water-the telephone rings.
An ill-dressed person may or may not be a bum, but a person who is always well dressed is surely a crook.
- Too many foreign countries are living beyond our means.
- A man’s best friends are his ten fingers.
- Behind an able man there are always other able men.
- One should always play fair when he has the winning cards.
- Frequent naps will keep you from getting old – especially when taken while driving.
- Speak well of your enemies; remember you made them.
- A man must do many good things to prove that he’s good, but needs make only one mistake to prove that he’s bad.
- You cannot live on other people’s promises, but if you promise others enough, you can live on your own.
Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the floor-especially in the dark.
At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoestore, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what’s going on.
Petty’s Poignant Philosophies:
- If you want something badly, that’s how you get it.
- Many “get-rich-quick” schemes make millionaires – out of multi-millionaries.
You can’t depend on anyone to be wrong all the time.
Remarriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience.
Trusty Truism No. 23:
English started losing touch with reality with the word “if” and finished the job with the word “parameter.”
The IRS Headache Law:
The wages of sin are unreported.